swampy123's Statistics
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User Statistics
| User Level: | User | ||
| Contribution Points: | 34078 | ||
| Total Joke Score: | 10,151 | ||
| Total Time Active: | 593 hours, 20 minutes | ||
Joke Statistics
| Total Jokes Submitted: | 475 | Live Jokes: | 191 | |
| Total Deleted Jokes (including duplicates): | 284 | Duplicate Jokes: | 54 | |
| Average Joke Score (All Jokes): | 21.37 | Average Joke Score (Exc. Deleted): | 53.15 | |
| Average Time Before Deletion: | 24,133m | |||
| Favourite Subcategory | Sex and shit > Wife (19) | |||
The best of swampy123's 191 jokes (View All).
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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge. |
 
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Joke
by swampy123 in Other - Food and Drink (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 1,003.6
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I hate this hot weather, I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbour's kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering giving them back. |
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Due to an unfortunate genetic defect, I have been told that I can't drive. It has left me with a lack of spatial awareness, an inability to think logically and terrible mood swings. On the upside, I can have kids, I'm great at housework and I've got a cracking set of tits. |
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Joke
by swampy123 in Sex and shit - Women (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 703
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My wife is a bit of a tree-hugger, so she went ape shit when I ran over a frog. I said, "Well I couldn't avoid him and it's not like they serve any purpose." She shouted, "He was on a bloody bike and you're supposed to be driving on the right." |
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Joke
by swampy123 in Racism - French (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 438.6
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I've just seen a new 3D hologram that tries to deter you from parking in the disabled bays at Tesco. As you reverse, a little man in a wheelchair wildly flaps his arms shouting, "Stop...stop....NOOOO!". Once you've parked, you can hear muffled cries of, "Arrrrghhh....Get off meeee!" from under your vehicle. Great use of new technology. Brilliant, just brilliant. |
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Joke
by swampy123 in Illness and mortality - Disability - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 381.2
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I kept seeing a vegetable stall every day in the same place on my way to work this week. The disabled really shouldn't be allowed to drive. |
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Joke
by swampy123 in Illness and mortality - Disability (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 1 month ago - Current Score: 376.2
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My daughter is at that stage where she finds it embarrassing to be seen out with me. When I dropped her off at school she wouldn't even kiss me goodbye, She just left me standing there in my underpants and sombrero. |
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After watching the film Trainspotting we decided to make our son go cold turkey. No more drugs in the house, No more needles. Unfortunately it wasn't an effective cure for his diabetes. The funeral is on Friday. |
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Joke
by swampy123 in Illness and mortality - Diabetes - Added: 2 years, 1 month ago - Current Score: 322.4
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My wife called me upstairs to the bedroom earlier. "Look what I found in the cupboard, crotchless panties " She said as she seductively modelled them. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was one of my vests. |
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My daughter showed me her Farmville on Facebook. She had 2 cows, 2 sheep, 2 chickens, 2 ducks, 2 goats and 2 rabbits. I told her, "This is like a story from the Bible." She asked why. "Well," I said, "it's a load of old crap that's followed by sad weirdos who want to believe in a made up fantasy land because they can't face living in the real world." She wouldn't show me her Café. |
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Joke
by swampy123 in Religion - Bible (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 305.6
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