A travelling salesman stops at a petrol station to take a crap. The toilet has two stalls and there's a man already there using one of them. The two men acknowledge each other and go about their business. The salesman finishes first and as he pulls his trousers up, some coins drop into the toilet bowl. He looks at it, thinks for a moment and drops a 20 pound note into the bowl. The other man, astonished, asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" The salesman says, "You don't exp [...]

A travelling salesman stops at a petrol station to take a crap. The toilet has two stalls and there's a man already there using one of them. The two men acknowledge each other and go about their business. The salesman finishes first and as he pulls his trousers up, some coins drop into the toilet bowl. He looks at it, thinks for a moment and drops a 20 pound note into the bowl. The other man, astonished, asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" The salesman says, "You don't expect me to put my hand in there for 35 pence do you?"

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour [...]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have got an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
[...]

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly.
45. Love shopping.
46. Be honest.
47. Be very rich.
48. Not stress her out.
49. Not look at other girls.

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes.

53. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

=========================================
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him.
2. Fuck him.
3. Shut Up.

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle. She asked me what I called it.
"A Fottle," I said.
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

[...]

The other day I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I told the lady at the desk that I invented a folding bottle. She asked me what I called it.
"A Fottle," I said.
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.

A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two tassels provo [...]

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.

A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two tassels provocatively placed over her nipples. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya?"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the tassels and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

[...]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '£20 or off it comes'!"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."