lee999's Statistics
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User Statistics
| User Level: | User | ||
| Contribution Points: | 533 | ||
| Total Joke Score: | 5,041 | ||
| Total Time Active: | 186 hours, 12 minutes | ||
The best of lee999's 58 jokes (View All).
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I bought my girlfriend a pen for her birthday. I should have got a better one though, she keeps getting out. |
 
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| Tip - Stutterers, when you talk make a hand gesture like you're scratching a record and say "can I get a rewind" at the end of your sentence. That way people will never know you have a speech impediment, and will only think that you're a dick. |
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Joke
by lee999 in Illness and mortality - Speech Impediment - Added: 3 years, 1 month ago - Current Score: 644
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. But how did they get in there? |
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Joke
by lee999 in Other - Lightbulb (+ 1 more) - Added: 5 years, 0 months ago - Current Score: 552.8
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I was lurking in an alleyway the other night when this hot woman walked by. I grabbed her and dragged her into the dark, I pulled out the small piece of brown fruit I always carry with me and shoved it up her fanny. It was a date rape. |
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To me, modern art is a lot like oral sex. My six-year-old daughter could do it. |
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Joke
by lee999 in Sex and shit - Paedophile (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 4 months ago - Current Score: 313.8
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I've been shagging this bird who presents Blue Peter. I like it when I introduce her to my mates, I get to say, "And here's one I laid earlier." |
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Joke
by lee999 in Sex and shit - Girlfriend (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 years, 2 months ago - Current Score: 216.2
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An English man, an Irish man and a Scottish man walk into a bar. The English man turns to the Scot and says, "do you think the person reading this will really think this jokes not going to be about Michael Jackson?" |
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Joke
by lee999 in In The News - Celebrity Death - Added: 3 years, 11 months ago - Current Score: 177.8
| People talk about the glass being half full, or half empty. I consider myself to have a positive attitude, so, Barack Obama is half white. |
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I don't like children. What people don't seem to realise is that babies are here to replace us. Once you understand that you can see just how sinister they are. |
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Joke
submitted by lee999, originally by Andrea from radio show Hazelbeach. in Other - Children (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 5 months ago - Current Score: 142.8
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A word to the wise. You can't always trust people you meet on dating sites. I`d been chatting to a woman online, we had a real connection, got on well and had the same sense of humour. When we met face to face though, I still raped her and stole her money. |
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Joke
by lee999 in Other - Internet (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 years, 10 months ago - Current Score: 128.6
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