chris732's Profile Information:
Chris - The sorta guy that will invite himself into your home, eat your dinner, read your newspaper, smoke your pipe and then proceed to murder, rape and romance your wife, in that order.
chris732's Statistics
Note: once generated statistics are saved and may not be re-calculated for up to 48 hours.
These statistics have just been generated for you. Aren't we nice?
User Statistics
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User Level:
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User
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Contribution Points:
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340
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Total Joke Score:
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6,114
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Total Time Active:
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51 hours, 21 minutes
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Joke Statistics
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Total Jokes Submitted:
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21
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Live Jokes:
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13
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Total Deleted Jokes (including duplicates):
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8
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Duplicate Jokes:
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5
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Average Joke Score (All Jokes):
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291.14
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Average Joke Score (Exc. Deleted):
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470.31
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Average Time Before Deletion:
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22,017m
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Favourite Subcategory
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Sex and shit > Women (1)
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The best of chris732's 13 jokes (
View All).
27459
Think about it
---------------------------------
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They [...]
Think about it
---------------------------------
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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28006
Scottish insults:
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than Sooty!
She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
Everyone has a right to be ugly, b [...]
Scottish insults:
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than Sooty!
She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege
I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole
Mair chins than a Chinese phone book
She smells like an alkies carpet
She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician
It's like shaggin a pail of water.
It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!
she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher
Fanny like a ripped out fireplace
Face like a sand blasted tomato
Arse like a bag of washing
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stuntman's knee
She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab
Like opening the window and shagging the night
She's seen more cockends than weekends
A left her with a face like a painter's radio
Fanny like a clown's pocket
Fanny like a Hippo's yawn
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet
More pricks than a second hand dartboard.
Face like a blind joiners thumb
She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
Even the tide wouldn't take her out
Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
Handled more balls than Dino Zoff
Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
A cunt like a burst couch
A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters
She's had more seamen than Saltcoats
She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !
She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!
Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun
[flip em the bird and say] smell your mum
She
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24907
Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away..
Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 [...]
Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
Fascism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
Nazism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you.
Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away..
Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
A American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.
A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
A German Corporation: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A British Corporation: You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Russian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your ass. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.......
Counter Culture: 'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Fatalist: You have 2 doomed cows...
Hong Kong Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
An Arkansas Corporation: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
An Indian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You worship them.
An Australian Corporation: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go down the pub to celebrate.
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24952
A young Scottish lad and his lassie were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently; then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He blushed as well and then the two turned once again to gaze o [...]
A young Scottish lad and his lassie were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently; then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He blushed as well and then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Again, like her, he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke once again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Again, he too blushed and they continued to once again gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl once more spoke. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The lad knit his brow and adjusted his kilt. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the boy.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to really blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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