Weetobix's Statistics

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I sho [...]

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"

It's the day of Prince Edward's wedding. He and Sophie are having a wonderful time, but beneath the smiles and celebrations, Sophie appears to be in pain.

Edward notices and asks her what's wrong.

"Well it's these shoes", she says, "I'm sure they sent me the wrong ones. They must be at least 2 sizes two small!"

"Never mind", he replies, "The reception will be over soon and we can head back to the room and take them o [...]

It's the day of Prince Edward's wedding. He and Sophie are having a wonderful time, but beneath the smiles and celebrations, Sophie appears to be in pain.

Edward notices and asks her what's wrong.

"Well it's these shoes", she says, "I'm sure they sent me the wrong ones. They must be at least 2 sizes two small!"

"Never mind", he replies, "The reception will be over soon and we can head back to the room and take them off".

Sure enough, the reception draws to a close and after the guests have gone, Edward and Sophie make their way towards their bedroom, little knowing that they have been followed by the rest of the royal family, who press their ears against the door to get a good listen.

Sophie collapses on the bed and Edward, looking at her shoes, says "Right! you've waited long enough - let's get these off straight away"

There's about 5 minutes of grunting and moaning, followed by a loud sigh of relief from Sophie.

"Bloody hell! That was tight!", exclaims Edward.

Outside the door, The Queen whispers to Prince Philip. "See! I told you she was still a virgin!"

Back inside, Edward looks at the other shoe.
"Right! Now let's have a go at the other one"

5 more minutes of grunting and moaning occur, followed by another loud groan from Sophie. "Christ! That one was even tighter!", says Edward.

"That's my boy!", whispers Prince Philip with a tear in his eye, "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash a [...]

A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 quid"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 quid"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over £200 in cash, before walking off whistling.

Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.

"Oh good - did he give you that £200 he owes me?"

A man and his wife were being visited by the midwife for a check up after the birth of their first child. The midwife rings the doorbell and the door is opened by the wife.

"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the midwife, "You should be in bed so soon after giving birth."

"Well, my husband's upstairs bathing the baby." she replies.

The midwife goes upstairs to the bathroom to see how the husband is doing, but to her shock, sh [...]

A man and his wife were being visited by the midwife for a check up after the birth of their first child. The midwife rings the doorbell and the door is opened by the wife.

"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the midwife, "You should be in bed so soon after giving birth."

"Well, my husband's upstairs bathing the baby." she replies.

The midwife goes upstairs to the bathroom to see how the husband is doing, but to her shock, she sees him leaning over the bath, 2 fingers inserted up the baby's nostrils, swirling it around in the water in a figure of 8.

"What the hell are you doing?" she screams, "That's not how you bathe a baby!"

"Listen...." says the husband, "It bloody well is when the water's this hot!"

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, th [...]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "how much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "it starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do [...]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "how much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "it starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
The guy says, "what the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "you own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy!"

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his [...]

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."