Jokes under Religion > Monks

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so [...]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly that it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. However, he notices that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to see the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the other subsequent copies.

The head monk [...]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. However, he notices that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to see the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the other subsequent copies.

The head monk said, "we have been copying from copies for centuries, but you make a very valid point, my son."

So off he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where all the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees hide nor hare of the old abbot. The young monk gets a bit worried so goes down to look for him and finds him banging his head against the wall, wailing, "We missed the 'R'. We missed the 'R'." His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "whatever's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "after all these years.....the word was 'Celebrate'!"

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't s [...]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A Man decided to join the church and become a monk. He went to his new home and the head monk told him that in order to dedicate his life to the church he had to take a vow of silence, but he would be allowed 2 words every 7 years. The man agreed and began his new life. 7 years passed and the head monk said "You have done very well my son I shall now grant you 2 words."
"Food cold" replied the monk. "Sorry" said the head monk, "I shall have to sort that [...]

A Man decided to join the church and become a monk. He went to his new home and the head monk told him that in order to dedicate his life to the church he had to take a vow of silence, but he would be allowed 2 words every 7 years. The man agreed and began his new life. 7 years passed and the head monk said "You have done very well my son I shall now grant you 2 words."
"Food cold" replied the monk. "Sorry" said the head monk, "I shall have to sort that out for you as soon as possible."
Another 7 years pass and again he is granted 2 words.
"bed hard" he said.
"I'm really sorry" says the head monk, "I'll fix that for you right away."
Another 7 years pass and the head monk says "You have served us well and I'm happy to grant you another 2 words"
"I quit!" replied the monk.
"Good" said the head monk, "You've done nothing but moan since you got here."

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence.

Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says,

"I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down.

Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says [...]

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence.

Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says,

"I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down.

Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says

"I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (because it's leap year).

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says,

"I am fed up with this constant bickering!"