Jokes under Sex and shit > Euphemisms

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mother, Jo [...]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mother, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mother, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving"

BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard N [...]

BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE
The female erection.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a bank machine. Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MCSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there" (there's a nasty nip in the air)
STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
TART FUEL
Bottled Alco pops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

Ingredients

2 Laughing Eyes
2 Well shaped Legs
2 Loving Arms
2 Milk Containers
2 Nuts
Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
Firm Banana

Method
1) Look into laughing eyes.
2) Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined
mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.
4) Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana.
5 [...]

Ingredients

2 Laughing Eyes
2 Well shaped Legs
2 Loving Arms
2 Milk Containers
2 Nuts
Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
Firm Banana

Method
1) Look into laughing eyes.
2) Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined
mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.
4) Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana.
5) Add firm banana to fur lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and
out until well creamed. For best results continue to kneed
milk containers.
6) As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur lined mixing bowl, cover
with nuts, sigh with relief and leave to soak (preferably not
overnight).
7) The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften
repeat method or change mixing bowl.
8) If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully.

Note:
Do not lick mixing bowl after banana softens.
If cake rises leave town as soon as possible.