Jokes under Religion > Heaven

A Match Made in Heaven...

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The co [...]

A Match Made in Heaven...

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious...
what does Hell look like?" So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead the man to an e [...]

A man died and went to Heaven. After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking with Saint Peter and he asked, "I know I was good during my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven, but I'm really curious...
what does Hell look like?" So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said, "I'll tell you what, I'll let you see what Hell looks like before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me." And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, "Take this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not get out of the elevator." The man said, "Thank you" and then climbed into the elevator and hit the button for the lowest floor. After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened and the man peered out. Before him was a lifeless, frozen wasteland. All the man could see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow. Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back up to Heaven. After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and said, "I'm ready to enter into Heaven now, but before I do I have just one more question." "Go ahead", replied Saint Peter, and so the man asked, "I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone, but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it's really like?" Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered, "Snow and ice, eh? I guess Liverpool FC finally won the Premier League!!"

Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven."

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

[...]

Three Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven."

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife a lot." He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates."

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter steppe [...]

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."

A rugby referee died and went to heaven.

Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter.

If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff.

"Wales were two points ahead with [...]

A rugby referee died and went to heaven.

Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter.

If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff.

"Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner.

"But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."

"Ok, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up.

When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"

The ref looked at his watch and replied: "Forty-five seconds ago."