Jokes under Religion > Vicar

I left school at the age of sixteen, without a single qualification to my name, and not having the slightest conception of the workings of the real world. I had little or no grasp of the mysteries of mathematics, the complexities of economics, or the achievements of history. As for science, even the most mentally impoverished troglodyte's knowledge of biology, chemistry and physics would easily have surpassed my own. All I had to fall back on was my verbose and rather patronising manner of speak [...]

I left school at the age of sixteen, without a single qualification to my name, and not having the slightest conception of the workings of the real world. I had little or no grasp of the mysteries of mathematics, the complexities of economics, or the achievements of history. As for science, even the most mentally impoverished troglodyte's knowledge of biology, chemistry and physics would easily have surpassed my own. All I had to fall back on was my verbose and rather patronising manner of speaking, a misguided and embarrassingly outdated understanding of society, and a blind faith in things all somehow working out for the best.

And that's how I became a vicar.

The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation [...]

The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking

His head from side to side, while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck him'.

A Hell's Angel is in front of a church trying to kick-start his Harley, but it just won't start and he is cursing and swearing so loudly that the vicar comes out.

"My son," says the vicar, "swearing like that is a terrible abomination. Why don't you try praying to the Lord?"

The Hell's Angel kneels down: "Dear Lord, please have mercy on me and make my motorcycle start."

And all of a sudden, the motorcycle starts up.
[...]

A Hell's Angel is in front of a church trying to kick-start his Harley, but it just won't start and he is cursing and swearing so loudly that the vicar comes out.

"My son," says the vicar, "swearing like that is a terrible abomination. Why don't you try praying to the Lord?"

The Hell's Angel kneels down: "Dear Lord, please have mercy on me and make my motorcycle start."

And all of a sudden, the motorcycle starts up.

"Well," says the vicar, "fuck me sideways, that's never worked before ..."