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Jokes under Crime > Speeding

243662
My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras. You'd think the tight bastards would have shelled out for the decent ones. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by donkey in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 years, 6 months ago - Current Score: 683.8


404984
I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.
"Bit of a speed merchant are we, sir?" he asked.
"A bit, now and then," I replied, "but I only sell to friends."

So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.
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Joke by cc1957 in Crime - Speeding (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 years, 1 month ago - Current Score: 660.2




1141331
I was stopped by a policeman the other day.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied

He said, "There is no traffic."

I answered, "That's how far behind I am."
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Joke submitted by Flaccid T, originally by Steven Wright in Crime - Speeding - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago - Current Score: 507.6


18205
A married couple are driving along a motorway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an aff [...]

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Joke by mickle in Sex and shit - Divorce (+ 1 more) - Added: 5 years, 2 months ago - Current Score: 504


265778
I got pulled over the other day and the cop told me to keep an eye on my speed.

I was really thankful, I didn't notice it was falling out of my pocket.
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Joke by snaggletooth in Crime - Speeding - Added: 3 years, 6 months ago - Current Score: 494.2


723705
Motorists.

Unless you've kidnapped it, nobody gives a fuck if you've got a child on board.
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Joke submitted by djlife, originally by viz top tips in Crime - Speeding - Added: 2 years, 6 months ago - Current Score: 379.8


1032459
I said, "Apparently you can get off a speeding ticket if you suck a policeman's cock."
She said, "Since when?"
I said, "Since I pulled you over, love."
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Joke by FantasticMrFucks in Crime - Speeding - Added: 1 year, 10 months ago - Current Score: 378.8


271477
I got pulled over by the police the other day, they accused me of jumping the traffic lights.

I laughed at him and explained; 'cars can't jump'.
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Joke by Kopite Matty in Crime - Speeding - Added: 3 years, 5 months ago - Current Score: 218.8


122790
The police sent me a photo of my car speeding.

So I sent them a picture of my cheque.
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Joke by Baker in Crime - Speeding - Added: 4 years, 0 months ago - Current Score: 207.8


247031
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Well take my word for It, the fucking police speed cameras think differently.
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Joke by geemack in Crime - Speeding - Added: 3 years, 6 months ago - Current Score: 200.2



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