Jokes under Sex and shit > Revenge

My girlfriend insisted that I would make a horrible father so to prove her wrong, I bought a new ivy plant to hang in my living room and told her that I could keep it alive for a full year. It died within the first month. We broke up the next day when the cunt showed up at my door to mock me.
"I'm so sorry your plant died. I know it can be hard remembering to water it, which is why I got you something more suitable to your caretaking skills. It's a fake plant!!"

[...]

My girlfriend insisted that I would make a horrible father so to prove her wrong, I bought a new ivy plant to hang in my living room and told her that I could keep it alive for a full year. It died within the first month. We broke up the next day when the cunt showed up at my door to mock me.
"I'm so sorry your plant died. I know it can be hard remembering to water it, which is why I got you something more suitable to your caretaking skills. It's a fake plant!!"

A couple years later I heard that her newborn daughter had died so I decided to stop by and offer my condolences.
"I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know you probably feel horrible for letting her fall down that flight of stairs, which is why I got you something more suitable to your parenting skills. It's a slinky!!"

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was str [...]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Hello son

i know you're reading this as like all my other websites that i frequent, you know what my password as i use the same one for each site. As you're aware by now i have been visiting various free porn sites very regular(youjizz, assbear and youporn if you're interested), usually at about 6 in the morning when you're all asleep after i've just done a night shift to pay for all clothes,video games and various other shit you bleed me dry for. And by the way i don't watch corona [...]

Hello son

i know you're reading this as like all my other websites that i frequent, you know what my password as i use the same one for each site. As you're aware by now i have been visiting various free porn sites very regular(youjizz, assbear and youporn if you're interested), usually at about 6 in the morning when you're all asleep after i've just done a night shift to pay for all clothes,video games and various other shit you bleed me dry for. And by the way i don't watch coronation street, i have to sit there while your fat cow of a mum watches it on the 50 inch plasma which i bought, so i'll smoke as much cigarettes as i want you lazy sneaky little cunt

all the best Dad

based on true events