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Hottest Today (10 of 179)
 

1470885
I recently started smoking again.

I've saved an absolute fortune on electronic cigarettes, nicotine patches and gum. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by donni in Other - Advice (+ 1 more) - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: 111.8

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1470960
When I was younger I can remember walking down the road one day with my Grandad, and he was coming out with all these wonderful sayings. You just don't hear people talking like that anymore.

My favourite was... "Fuck off back to where you came from you Paki bastard." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stash in Racism - Pakistani - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 68.6

1470956
My uncle always said "One in the hand is worth two in the bush."

He died a virgin. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Bachiballs in Other - Sayings (+ 1 more) - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 64.2

1470912
'Alcohol is free'

Not a bad entry from Greece but it explains why their economy is fucked up. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by benb05 in Events - ??? Other - Added: 22 hours ago - Current Score: 50

1471071
Little Abdul, "but please miss you said we could bring something in to school to remind us of our religion. Charlie has his crucifix, Kato has his model buddah, Isaac has his prayer book. I don't understand."

"Yes I did Abdul but your ticking rucksack is frightening the other children." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Reject Dog in Religion - Muslim - Added: 7 hours ago - Current Score: 47.6

1471060
My family are a constant reminder of what's important in life.

Alcohol. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stash in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs - Added: 8 hours ago - Current Score: 33.2

1470961
My wife is always complaining that sex between us is boring and predictable.

It's not my fault.

She's the one that falls asleep after 6 minutes, 14 seconds. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by poltroon in Sex and shit - Nagging - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 30.8

1471084
I knew I was in trouble when my Irish kidnapper removed the blindfold.

Maybe I should have escaped while he was still wearing it. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by emptyhead in Racism - Irish (+ 1 more) - Added: 6 hours ago - Current Score: 30.2

1471085
I tried to claim disability allowance because I've just got a prosthetic limb.

The lady in the job centre told me that the leg I was carrying had to be my own. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by donni in Illness and mortality - Disability - Added: 6 hours ago - Current Score: 23.8

1471087
Now David Beckham's announced his retirement his wife Victoria is going to have to find another career.

Instead of the current 'miserable cunt married to a footballer' I suggest 'miserable cunt married to an ex footballer' . 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by welsh_151 in Sports - Football - Added: 6 hours ago - Current Score: 17.8

More from today.

Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
1469015
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by gunner6995 in Sex and shit - Breasts - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 301.4

1470045
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by istvan66 in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 280.4



1469590
Angelina Jolie said, "I lost my mum to cancer, my kids won't."

That's because 'your' kids lost their mums to you. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Celebrities - Angelina Jolie - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 261

1468835
After being raped by a big black man, I asked my neighbour how she was.

"Don't worry about me," she said, "let's get you to hospital." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 2ShinyBalls in Sex and shit - Anal (+ 1 more) - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 248.2

1468836
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me"
I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Cabron Monoxide in Celebrities - Kim Kardashian - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 243.4

1469052
One Direction. The band The Beatles could've been.

If The Beatles had been a bunch of talentless faggots. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Celebrities - One Direction - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 231.4

1470640
If your phone gets wet, leave it overnight in a bag of rice.

It'll attract an Asian, who will fix it because they're good with electronics 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke submitted by broken-english, originally by The Fat Jew in Other - Advice (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 205

1469603
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bollocks!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Nick Kay in Events - Birthday - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 201.4

1469213
Genies are tricky little fuckers and will always try to twist what you wish for.

For example, last night I wished that my flat-chested wife could have tits like Angelina Jolie. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by TheAncient in Celebrities - Angelina Jolie - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 200.8

1469796
The electricity company called me and said, "The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low."

I said, "Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit."

"Sir, you can't do that!" they said.

I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you cunts." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Crime - Fraud (+ 1 more) - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 184.6

More from this week.

Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
1463924
Gods don't kill people.

People with Gods kill people. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by MrSickGuy in Religion - God - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 582.4

1464787
I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke submitted by pedro pongo, originally by Twitter @cluedont in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 511.8



1466358
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 2ShinyBalls in Other - Insults - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 434.2

1465110
I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register.

Then I realised I was watching the credits for Coronation Street. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by bushwhacker in TV - Soap - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 429.4

1465773
"Sorry, I'm sweating like a nigger on a rape charge."

"That's not a problem. Would you like me to ask you the question again?"

"Yes please."

"To the charges regarding racism in the workplace, do you plead guilty, or not guilty?" 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Biscuit777 in Racism - Black - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 413

1464630
I went to see a house earlier with period features.

My wife hates it when I call her that... 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by jimmydclarke in Other - Wordplay - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 389.4

1466658
Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook.

I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in In The News - Holocaust (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 357.2

1465697
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with.

"Eleven," I replied.

"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Snikoggs in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 346.6

1462400
Cameron has today defended plans to have trainee nurses start off as health care assistants before they start nursing.

That's fine. As long as trainee politicians start off as sewer workers before they start talking shit. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by MammaCass in Politics - Coalition - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 325.4

1468490
As I started fucking her, she said, "Please stop. You must stop. I want you to stop."


"It's nice that she's enjoying it", I thought, "but why is she talking like a telegram?" 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stallion sd in Other - Misunderstanding - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 320.2

More from this month.
Newest Today (30 of 179)
(0 new since last update)
1471187
Fergie, Beckham, Carragher, Scholes, Owen, Harper and P. Neville all their last matchs this weekend.

Thank God that Emile Heskey signed a contract extension. or it would be the worst footballing weekend ever. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Jimmy savile69 in Sports - Football - Added: 13 seconds ago - Current Score: 1

1471186
Everyone harping on about how Marilyn Monroe was a 'real woman', with curves and the like.

But she's all bones now too. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by carloslmno which requires categorising - Added: 1 minute ago - Current Score: 1

1471185
My wife has the perfect body.

Decomposing. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by tatty in Illness and mortality - Death - Added: 2 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1471184
I started to get hard as I put two fingers in, felt the wetness and rubbed them around.


Rinsing cups turns me on. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stallion sd in Sex and shit - Kinky - Added: 2 minutes ago - Current Score: 2

1471183
Behind every great footballer,

There's John Terry, waiting for him to go out. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Milo in Sports - Football (+ 1 more) - Added: 4 minutes ago - Current Score: 1



1471182
What does a gay paleontologists have?

Afuckingsaurs 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Whiteley88 in Other - Wordplay - Added: 4 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1471181
After all these years, I've just discovered that I'm allergic to horses.

My wife is distraught, I'll have to start having sex with her again. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by johnny midnight in Sex and shit - Animals - Added: 6 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1471180
My doctor was teasing me today so i said ''sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'', he said ''you have cancer''. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by tony1994 in Illness and mortality - Cancer - Added: 7 minutes ago - Current Score: 2

1471179
Last night, after playing his last game for Paris St Germain, David Beckham was told by Victoria, "Great! Now that you've finished playing football, you can come to all my gigs!" This morning he signed a 5 year deal with Aldershot Town. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by The Melk in Celebrities - David Beckham - Added: 15 minutes ago - Current Score: 3.4

1471178
What does my wife and Slinkies have in common?
Not really too much, but I can't help but crack a smile when either tumbles down the stairs. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Chancemyarm in Sex and shit - Wife (+ 1 more) - Added: 16 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1471177
If there's one thing I hate about finding myself all alone in a strange house at night..


It's being a coon. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by worrying anal seepage in Racism - Black - Added: 17 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.6

1471176
I felt embarrassed for an old blonde bird trying to sing while I was down the pub last night. Still she picked up more points than Germany though. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by aspiadas in TV - Eurovision (+ 1 more) - Added: 25 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1471175
"How do you light this thing?" asked my idiot of a wife, as she fumbled about with my zippo lighter.

"Give it to me, you silly twat." I said, as I swapped the petrol pump nozzle over to my other hand. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Milo in Sex and shit - Wife (+ 1 more) - Added: 27 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.6

1471174
After watching todays 5-5 draw between Man U and West Brom all I can say is Ferguson has lost the plot and he should retire immediately. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Dano1036 in Sports - Football (+ 2 more) - Added: 30 minutes ago - Current Score: -4

1471171
Olympian Robert Davis has had to have both arms and legs amputated but is still determined to carry on swimming.
His friends now call him 'Bob' 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by pippin2005 in Illness and mortality - Paraplegic - Added: 33 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.6

1471170
So spurs new kit sponsor is NEXT. Probably because there's always next time for them. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by wrong guard in Sports - Football - Added: 45 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.2

1471169
Chucky licked out your mum.


Thats why he's a rugrat 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by jdizzleyio which requires categorising - Added: 49 minutes ago - Current Score: -2.6

1471167
The reclusive owner of China's largest sewage company was discovered today:

Dip Tin Poo. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by johnny midnight in Other - Stupid - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -5.8

1471166
The early bird saves a 1/3 at Harvester I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by zinger549 in Other - Stupid - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -4.6

1471165
If my wife is late one more time for our freaky sex night I won't shove my foot up her arse. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by gazzytee in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -1.2

1471164
I all ways remember whenever dad used to swear he'd all ways say afterwards "pardon my french"

then one day at school the teacher asked "does anyone speak a foreign language?"

I raised my hand.... 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by biggie otool in Other - Family - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.8

1471163
I only ever fuck my girlfriend from behind, as I find looking at her face rather distracting.


She's got my eyes. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by worrying anal seepage in Sex and shit - Incest - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -2

1471161
I wanted Newcastle to get relegated because of Ben Arfa.

I fucking Hatem. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Gog308 in Sports - Football - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -3.6

1471160
News: Pyongyang, N. Korea "Revolutionary Forces have test fired four missiles."

News: USA "Pyongyang fires four missiles towards Seoul. All missed."

News. Seoul, S. Korea "What missiles?" 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Reality_Cheque in Racism - Korean (+ 2 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -2.2

1471159
Just been to the Anagram Cinema.

Screen Two is made out of sweetcorn. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by binladensson in Other - Wordplay (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 3.8

1471155
I told my fat blind daughter she needs to watch what she eats.

She won't though. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by graeme130287 in Illness and mortality - Obesity - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 0

1471154
My wife came in with a new outfit on. "Do stripes make me look any thinner?" she asked.

"No." I said. "And I think those stripes are supposed to be words." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Milo in Illness and mortality - Obesity (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 1.4

1471150
I bumped into David Beckham last night and congratulated him on ending his career on a high.

"It's just a shame that you didn't achieve as much by the age of 40 as I have." I sighed.

"Not achieved?" he said incredulously. "I won six premier league championships, two FA Cups and a Champions League trophy. I made 115 appearances with the England team and scored 17 goals. I'm a UNICEF ambassador. I've opened football academies for disadvantaged [...]

 I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by TheAncient in Celebrities - David Beckham - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 8.4

1471149
I've just looked at a category called 'woman friendly' on my favourite porn site.

It was just videos of shoes and handbags. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Johnny Cain once shit his pants in Sex and shit - Pornography - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 3.2

1471148
I was home-schooled as a child.

The saddest part was having to bully myself. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by SomeBozo in Other - ??? Random - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 11.8

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