| If I had to choke Nigella Lawson, I wouldn't choose my hands to do it with. |
 
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"999 Which emergency service do you require, sir?" "Police, please. My house is going to be burgled by four black kids." "Are they on the premises now, sir?" "No, they're moving in next door." |
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When I was a teenager, I'd lock myself in my bedroom for hours every night.
One night, my dad kicked the door open to find out what I was doing. He walked in to discover me sitting on my hand. "Ah, that old trick," he laughed. I gave an awkward smile back. "I have to say, son," he continued, "I'm relieved to be honest. I thought you might've been doing something weird. I'll leave you to it." When he closed [...] |
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I just showed some bloke in the pub a photo of my 15-year-old daughter. "Blimey," he said, "You'll definitely have to watch that one with the lads." "I already do," I said, "There's a hidden camera in her bedroom." |
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"Army chief says cuts could be dangerous." Let's hope nobody tells him about guns and bombs. |
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"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver. "Is it his shield?" I asked. |
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| Before sentencing today, Stuart Hall's Lawyer said he would be happy with anything under 10 years |
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Joke
by Scouser Tommie in In The News - Operation Yewtree - Added: 2 days ago - Current Score: 106.4
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Had a scary moment when I was opening my expensive new furniture with a Stanley knife. I damn near slit my shelf. |
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Saturday nights are always the same around here. Pissed up, wearing their virgin white dresses and out looking for some young cock, I wish I'd never moved to the Vatican now. |
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I normally pay for a prostitute when I'm down in Glasgow, instead of going out on the pull. It's a lot cheaper than trying to get a Glaswegian bird pissed. |
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