| My calculator is missing the minus button but, on the plus side, it still works. |
 
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I just bought a Monopoly set which had no fucking instructions. What are the chances? |
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A man walks into a library and says "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology." |
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Premier Inn, Everything is premier, except the Inn. |
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| Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.... I said to myself. |
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| I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right. |
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| I've had this ringing in my ears for 3 hours and when I went to phone the doctors I noticed I had 96 missed calls. |
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My surname is Double-barrelled, My name is John Double-barrelled |
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I have sex like I burgle houses, I'll be in and out and you won't even know I've been there. |
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Three black guys broke into my house at 12:58, I punched two of them then my clock struck one. |
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