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My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test." |
 
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I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad." That spider never knew what fucking hit it. |
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You would think that, if you pulled a snail's shell off, then it would be able to move faster. I tried it, but they seem to be more sluggish. |
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I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello". At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed. |
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As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the fucking thing." |
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As I sat down next to a bloke on the bus he gave me a really strange look. "That's typical," I thought. "The bus is empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a fucking nutcase." |
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I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said, "You don't have much of a case." |
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As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, "Dan, I've failed you as a mother." "Mum, my name is Dave." |
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Joke
submitted by stallion sd, originally by Sebastian Horsley adaptation in Other - Family - Added: 1 year, 11 months ago - Current Score: 652.8
| The biggest trouble causers in this country are the police. Have you seen how many protests they attend? |
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I was clinging for dear life to the face of the cliff. As the rescue team approached one of the guys shouted "Whatever you do, don't look down". So I started smiling. |
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