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I've just been to my first Muslim wedding. It was fantastic when everybody started clapping at the final words of the ceremony: "You may now meet the bride." |
 
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"Do you ever think about somebody else when we're making love?" My wife asked. "No." I replied. "It's always been your sister." |
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Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married. I don't get any sex and I've never got any money. |
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"Look, love, it's not the size that matters," my wife said. "It fucking matters to me," I replied as I looked at her enormous strap-on. |
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| "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" asked my wife, showing her incredible lack of self-awareness. |
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In the eighteen years we have been married my wife has had a boob job, a nose job,dyed her hair and finally a facelift. Yet whenever we argue, her favourite line is always, " You're not the man I married." |
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"Why the Hell did you call me a control freak?" I asked my wife, angrily. "Because you told me to!" she cried. |
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"Being drunk is no excuse for acting like a total cunt!" My wife yelled. "But sweetheart," I slurred, "You don't drink." |
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"If you were an animal," said my wife, looking up from her magazine, "what kind of animal would you be?" "Definitely a lion, King of the beasts," I replied. "What about you?" I continued. "What breed of dog would you be?" |
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I've just paid a fortune to get my wife's ashes sent into space on a rocket headed towards the sun. Just to make sure. |
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