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I was pulled over by the police today. "How fast do you think you were going, sir?" "60mph?" I asked. "Try 135," the officer replied. So I shut the door and drove as fast as I could. |
 
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Dick Van Dyke The three most important things in a lesbian rape scene. |
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My grandfather is a Cold War veteran He can't afford to put the heating on. |
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My son is cold and calculating I've turned the heating off whilst he does his maths homework. |
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I've just thrown a washing machine at my wife... Bosch. |
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My son said he's depressed because he suspects I'm gay. "Young man, there's no need to feel down..." I replied. |
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Just been watching The lion the witch and the wardrobe. My wife and her mum were carrying our new Ikea flatpack. |
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BBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business... It's probably best they stick to making sauces. |
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My girlfriend's engagement ring cost me four figures... R2-D2, Han Solo, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. |
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My wife said I'm addicted to comic book guy Worst. Accusation. Ever. |
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