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My Missus woke me up at 3 o'clock this morning and told me to put the cat out. I said, "what the fuck for?" She said, "because it's on fire you cunt!" |
 
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I've just had a great idea for a new flavour of dog food. I'm going to call it 'Postman Pate' |
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Some cunt accused me of being a racist. I said, "Some of my best friends are black". Apparently labradors don't count. |
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A giraffe sees a frog and says, "Hey, you've got no neck!"
The frog says, "What the fuck would I need a neck like yours for?" The giraffe says, "With a neck like mine you can enjoy life to the full. When I eat something, it takes so long to go down and I can enjoy it all the way. When I drink fresh water I can feel it going from my lips to my stomach for ages. It adds a bit of extra quality to my life." The frog says, "You've obviously neve [...] |
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I had a weird dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I woke up with my hand between the wife's legs! |
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I have just read with interest, that ants can carry objects weighing up to 50 times their own weight. What really amazes me is, how the fuck does an ant know how much it weighs? |
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If you lined all the rabbits in the world up head to tail, there would be a fucking huge increase of the world rabbit population! |
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I bought my mother a parrot to keep her company after my dad had passed away. I rang her up a few days later to ask her how the parrot was. She said, "I slow roasted it but it was still a bit tough." I said, "You stupid cow, that parrot cost me the best part of a grand and could speak five languages." She said, "Well why didn't he say something?" |
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What do you get if you cross a vibrator with a tortoise? An Armadildo. |
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Joke
by geebee in Sex and shit - Sex Toys (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 years, 5 months ago - Current Score: 7
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Some guy was in the pub complaining about being bossed around by his wife. "Are you a man or a mouse?", asked the barman. "I must be a man", says the guy, "My wife's scared shit of mice". |
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