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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. |
 
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I'm so excited. Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas! |
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I couldn't resist having a quick wank yesterday. The ref booked me for an "over elaborate" goal celebration. |
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The child psychologist looked at us both and said, " Well, after months of painstaking analysis, I believe I finally have an identifiable root cause for your son's behavioural issues and violent temper tantrums."
My wife and I glanced at each other, "That's a real relief. What's the treatment?" "Nothing, I'm afraid," he replied with a solemn look. "What! But surely there must be something?" I pleaded. He shook his head. "I' [...] |
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I went out for a drink with my dad. "What are you having son?" he asked me. "Diet Coke please," I replied. He frowned, "You're not having a poof's drink when you're out with me." I smiled, "OK dad.. Whatever. I'll have the same as you." "That's more like it!" he said, patting me on the shoulder before turning to the barman, "Two normal Cokes please." |
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| According to my wife, putting the wasp's nest inside the kid's pinata wasn't even remotely funny. |
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The Doctor's jovial attitude changed very quickly as I showed him the nasty rash on my cock. "For God's sake man!," he said, "My wife and I are still eating! Book an appointment at the Surgery and I'll see you there!" |
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My wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing. And they're off! |
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Our new puppy's been rolling around in its own shit. That's what I'm telling the wife anyway. Easier to explain than the fact that I ran out of toilet paper. |
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I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty. |
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