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It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!" We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself. RIP Dave... Fucking legend. |
 
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Joke
by WTD in Illness and mortality - Death - Added: 1 year, 10 months ago - Current Score: 1,869.8
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I went swimming in the Black Sea. It stole my trunks. |
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. |
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I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "You're different to all the other girls I've slept with." She said, "That's because I'm a bloke, you twat." That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour. |
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I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night... Especially as I fucking walked there in the first place. |
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At the pub quiz last night, a question came up: "Define the meaning of the word 'Niggling'." Whatever the correct answer was, it wasn't, "A Niggling is a young Nigger." We were asked to leave. |
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| Women... Have they ever really evolved beyond the Iron Age? |
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I waited until we were alone in the church before approaching him.
"Father?" I said, causing him to turn and look at me. "I'm sure you won't remember me Father, but 20 years ago I was one of the altar boys you brutally abused." I could see immediate panic and shame in his eyes as he struggled to find words, "I.. I don't know.." "Save it Father," I said unbuckling my trousers, "It's payback time." "Please.. [...] |
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I'm so excited. Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas! |
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I couldn't resist having a quick wank yesterday. The ref booked me for an "over elaborate" goal celebration. |
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