| I've been cutting cars off and driving like a maniac ever since I put that "Honk if you're a paedophile" bumper sticker on my car. |
 
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| The first rule of seal club is get yourself a club. |
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| My favourite hobbies are running, working out, and lying. |
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Apparently the "Venus Fly Trap" only grows wild, naturally, in a meteor crater in North Carolina, leading scientists to believe it is of extraterrestrial origin. From Venus maybe? |
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| I'd bet that 90% of people named Bob have spelled their name backwards without even realizing it. |
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| Beside Satan's throne, sits his first lieutenant, the man responsible for marketing the first Yoga pants that fit fat women. |
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I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection of my former self today. Some old photos of me hanging on the wall just outside my bathroom. |
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| When people ask me what I really think of them, I find the safest option is to collapse and pretend to be dead. |
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I always keep a low profile when riding my scooter. It's the only way I can make it reach the speed limit. |
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My missus is expecting twins. Which is great news, it means she will finally have more than one kid to the same father. |
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