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As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked. "I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours." He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3 [...] |
 
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My wife is a very accomplished after-dinner speaker. And before dinner. And during dinner. I really wish she'd just shut the fuck up. |
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Lamb chops. The strike attack of choice for ninja sheep. |
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What's the difference between your Mum and your Dad? Your Mum doesn't do anal. |
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How can you spot a Man City fan after the Euro 2012 campaign? They're the ones with Italian flags on their cars. |
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I was arrested at the weekend. The police knocked on my door and said: "We have reason to believe that you have been posting jokes on websites about the Holocaust." I replied, "What Holocaust?" |
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Someone asked me: "How do you do a classic rabbit punch?" I replied, "Always use two parts rabbit to one part vodka." |
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My wife is addicted to takeaways. She's taken away my confidence, my dignity, my self-respect, my money.... |
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My wife hates it when I sit down to have a wee. Particularly in supermarkets. |
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Under instructions from my boss, I'm setting up my own home office. The first thing I'm going to do is crack down on young offenders and sort out the immigration problem. |
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