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For want of conversation at the Christmas dinner table earlier I said, "I hear the water levels in Devon have been pretty substantial." "Parsnips?" my mum interjected. "Well I don't know if it's gone chest high, Mother, but it's pretty deep." |
 
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Joke
by Monkey Man Arsewipe in Other - Misunderstanding - Added: 5 months ago - Current Score: 101.6
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My nephew said to me, "Uncle, what does a cunt look like?" As luck would have it, a bloke with a goatee beard and brightly coloured waistcoat was passing by. |
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I told my mate, "I had this weird dream last night about a dragon flying an old WW2 plane." He said, "Spitfire?" "Well of course it did mate. It's a fucking dragon." |
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I said to my mate, "Chavez has died. His funeral's next Friday." "Hugo?" "Can't mate. Its too far away." |
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Joke
by Monkey Man Arsewipe in In The News - Celebrity Death (+ 1 more) - Added: 2 months ago - Current Score: 7.6
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Met my mate in the pub earlier. He said, "Hey! I took up your suggestion. What do you think?" I replied, "Nice arse mate but when I said you should cut the bottom off your jeans, I meant ..." |
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Fed up with the state of my back garden I went to my local garden centre, to get something to give the soil a good digging over. A large muscular black fella was serving behind the counter. I said, "Excuse me mate, I'm looking for a big spade to have a go with." .... don't remember much after that. |
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Three in the morning the phone rang.
"Son ..." "Dad! Is something wrong?" "Its yer mum, son. She passed away ..." "Oh! No!" I interjected. "How did she die?" "She's not dead." "But you said she passed away." "You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, she passed a weighing machine earlier ... and the weighing machin [...] |
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The farmers wife came into my photographic studio earlier.
She said, "The goats have just given birth. I'd like you take their picture." "Ok!" I replied. "And would you like any enhancement on the photo?" "Yes please", she enthused. "Right, so you'd like me to touch up your kids?" I said, without thinking Unfortunately, that was just the moment her husband came in from parking the [...] |
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I was in the pub with Quasimodo last night. I said to him, "I'll tell you what pisses me off, Inconsiderate drivers." He nodded in agreement. I carried on, "So Quasi, what gets your back up?" ... "And that Officer, is how the fight started." |
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My mate said, "I saw your wife taking a bath earlier." I said, "That's Hogwash!" "No, it's true," he replied. "I know mate. I was giving a name to what you saw." |
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