"Am I allowed to call a police officer a cunt?"
"No, sir, you are not. That would be an insult."
"Would it be OK if I called a cunt 'Officer'?"
"Yes, sir. That would be weird, but allowed."
"Good night, Officer."
"I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!"
"Wow, your dad's a millionaire?"
"No, but he always wanted to be."
Little Johnny is boasting again: "My big sister can put a whole lamp up her bum."
"What do you mean?" says his mate.
"I heard her say to her boyfriend, 'If you put the lamp out, I'll take it up the arse.'"
On a train.
"Are you travelling to Manchester?"
"And what are you planning to do there?"
"Get off the train."
"Would you like anything on your chips?"
"Does it cost extra?"
"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."
My mate told me he was no longer engaged to his girlfriend.
"Thank fuck for that," I said. "She was an ugly bitch anyway."
Now I'm nursing two broken ribs and a black eye... it seems I missed the wedding.
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