Jokes under Illness and mortality > Hospital

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The [...]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."

The visitor then says, "Oh, I see - a normal person would chose the bucket because it's the biggest."

The director responds, "No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you li [...]

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub."

The visitor then says, "Oh, I see - a normal person would chose the bucket because it's the biggest."

The director responds, "No, a normal person would pull the fucking plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?"

A man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: [...]

A man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

You fucking twat get off my oxygen pipe!!!

A man is walking past a mental asylum when he hears a strange, constant chanting, "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen."

His curiosity gets the better of him and finds a hole in a fence. He peers through it but the second he looks through it a finger slides through the hole and pokes him in the eye.

He recoils in pain, rubbing his eye but also notices that the chanting has changed to, "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourtee [...]

A man is walking past a mental asylum when he hears a strange, constant chanting, "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen."

His curiosity gets the better of him and finds a hole in a fence. He peers through it but the second he looks through it a finger slides through the hole and pokes him in the eye.

He recoils in pain, rubbing his eye but also notices that the chanting has changed to, "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."