Jokes under Religion > Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when i [...]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.

A man is condemned to hell after living a bad life on Earth, when he enters Hell, he is greeted by the devil.
The devil tells him that he must pick one of the three rooms to live out the rest of eternity, to which the man agrees.
The devil shows him the first room of a man tied up, being whipped. The man decides to have a look at the other 2 rooms.
In the second room there is a man also tied up, but this time being burnt by a flaming torch. The man decides to have a look a [...]

A man is condemned to hell after living a bad life on Earth, when he enters Hell, he is greeted by the devil.
The devil tells him that he must pick one of the three rooms to live out the rest of eternity, to which the man agrees.
The devil shows him the first room of a man tied up, being whipped. The man decides to have a look at the other 2 rooms.
In the second room there is a man also tied up, but this time being burnt by a flaming torch. The man decides to have a look at the final room.
In it is a beautiful blonde woman giving a blowjob to a really fat man tied up.
The man says "I want to spend eternity in room number 3", thinking that it is the best out of the 3
To which the devil replies "As you wish"
He then taps the woman on the shoulder and says "You can go now"

An American and an Englishman die and go to hell. The devil meets them and says "OK guys you have a choice - you can go to American Hell or British Hell. In American Hell you can do pretty much what you like but you have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. In British hell it's basically the same but you have to eat two buckets of shit". The American obviously picks American hell but feeling patriotic the Englishman decides to go for British Hell.

Two weeks later [...]

An American and an Englishman die and go to hell. The devil meets them and says "OK guys you have a choice - you can go to American Hell or British Hell. In American Hell you can do pretty much what you like but you have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. In British hell it's basically the same but you have to eat two buckets of shit". The American obviously picks American hell but feeling patriotic the Englishman decides to go for British Hell.

Two weeks later they meet up again. "How's it going?" asks the Englishman?

"Just like the devil said but eating a bucket of shit every morning is absolutely killing me. How about you?"

"Oh it's not so bad" said the Englishman "In British hell either the shit doesn't turn up or the buckets don't work properly".

Stalin dies and goes to hell. Satan meets him at the gate. "Welcome to hell!" he says, "let me show your punishment". He takes Stalin over to a pile of boulders at the bottom of a hill and says "your job is to push these up to the top of the hill for all eternity... now get started"
He pushes the first rock up to the top and spots Hitler sitting at a desk writing. A little while later Satan comes back. "How's it going?" he asks "Not too wel [...]

Stalin dies and goes to hell. Satan meets him at the gate. "Welcome to hell!" he says, "let me show your punishment". He takes Stalin over to a pile of boulders at the bottom of a hill and says "your job is to push these up to the top of the hill for all eternity... now get started"
He pushes the first rock up to the top and spots Hitler sitting at a desk writing. A little while later Satan comes back. "How's it going?" he asks "Not too well actually" replies Stalin, "how come I have to push endless rocks up a hill and all Hitler has to do is write?"
"Don't worry about that" laughs Satan. "He's translating The Communist Manifesto into Hebrew"