Jokes under Religion > Nuns

A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"

The [...]

A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"

The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."

Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.

He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.

Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.

Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"

The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
[...]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,

"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you'd looked a little higher, you'd have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down t [...]

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It's a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, "Hey father, how about a blow job, 25 bucks?"

The priest says, "What's a blow job?" at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the centre of town, another hooker ask [...]

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It's a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.

As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, "Hey father, how about a blow job, 25 bucks?"

The priest says, "What's a blow job?" at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the centre of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, "What's a blow job?" And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, "May I ask you a question, sister?"

"Of course," she says.

"What's a blow job?" the Priest asks.

"Twenty-five bucks," says the Nun, "same as in town."

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem [...]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
[...]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."