Jokes under Racism > Scottish
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"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen. "It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." "Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them." "Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes." |
 
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Joke
by johnboy in Racism - Scottish (+ 1 more) - Added: 5 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 1,186.2
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Being from Scotland, I love the summer. It's my favourite day of the year. |
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Andy Murray during Wimbledon: The most promising tennis player in Britain. Andy Murray after Wimbledon: Useless, goofy Scottish twat. Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent. Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter. Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker. Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker. |
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Joke
by Roll Fizzlebeef in Racism - Scottish (+ 2 more) - Added: 3 years, 11 months ago - Current Score: 1,028.2
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How was the Grand Canyon formed? A Scotsman lost a tenner down a rabbit hole |
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What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland. |
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200 quid for a UEFA Cup ticket 120 quid for a train ticket to Manchester 60 quid for overnight accommodation The look on Rangers fans when they realise that Scottish football is still shit. PRICELESS!!! |
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Joke
by Baldlice in Sports - Football (+ 1 more) - Added: 5 years, 0 months ago - Current Score: 776.2
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Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died." The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale." |
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Joke
by the phantom phucker in Racism - Scottish - Added: 5 years, 6 months ago - Current Score: 677
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I grew up in Glasgow in the 1970s. If you want to know what Glasgow was like in the 1970s, go there now. |
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Joke
submitted by albertgordon, originally by Jimmy Carr in Racism - Scottish - Added: 4 years, 3 months ago - Current Score: 634.4
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A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction
"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off." "Whit aboot if ye used [...] |
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In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you to borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?" "5." |
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