Hottest Today
(10 of 544)
BBC News:
"Early balding cuts cancer risk"
Not in Jade Goody's case it doesn't.
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I just logged on my computer.
I should really stop taking my laptop with me when I have a shit.
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I like to keep my mother in law at bay.
Guantanamo to be exact.
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What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?
A Bluetooth.
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Apparently, there's no longer a problem with racism in South Africa.
But there is a lot of problems with some guys called Blicks.
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I just paid six quid for a cappuccino.
I can't believe the Costa coffee at the motorway services.
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I've invented an anti-gravity device that allows the tip of a snooker cue to hover at any height above the table.
The rest is history.
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I went on my computer and looked at some pictures of a baby scampi.
The police came knocking and accused me of downloading child prawn.
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Shine a torch through a glass of water. You can see light on the other side.
Conclusion? You don't need fucking wipers on your headlights, you tool.
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So researchers in the US have found that an ingredient in bananas may help fight AIDS.. Irony is the cruelest bitch
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert.
I asked the waiter how much the pie was.
"£3.14 sir," he replied.
"That's funny," I chuckled.
"What's that sir?" He asked.
"That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself."
We both had a good laugh.
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My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her. It was my ultimate fantasy.
I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder.
"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks?"
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Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.
The plot thickens...
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Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.
After waking up in th [...]
Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday. I had an accident, and fell 30ft. I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.
I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.
I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.
"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.
I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.
After waking up in the same spot 6 hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.
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I've got 4 weeks off work.
I can't decide whether to get ripped or grow my cock.
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Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.
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I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do.
That's why I killed myself last night.
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My wife misunderstands Mother's Day.
She is not my fucking mother and if our 2 year old daughter doesn't love her enough to go out and buy her a present it's not my problem.
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My wife bought some jeggings.
I said, "What are they then?".
She said, "They're a cross between jeans and leggings".
I said, "Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt".
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I heard on the news that David Beckham is going to miss the World Cup.
Can't he Sky+ it?
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
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The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door.
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Cocaine is never a solution.
Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.
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Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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Does that meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to ComparetheMarket.com?
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I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.
My husband has finally proven you all wrong.
He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"
What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
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I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
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Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
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My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert.
I asked the waiter how much the pie was.
"£3.14 sir," he replied.
"That's funny," I chuckled.
"What's that sir?" He asked.
"That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself."
We both had a good laugh.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 544)
Gordon Brown has launched the new internet safety campaign - Zip it, Block it, Flag it... here is a breakdown:
Zip it - pull down your zip
Block it - stick a chair infront of the door so the wife cant catch you in the act
Flag it - Good video? Flag it and share it with the rest of the wanking nation.
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The bin men have gone on strike where I live and the council are saying that they will either buy our rubbish or we have to pay to dump it...
Talk about making an offer you can't refuse.
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Peadophilia.... its all swings and roundabouts
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Did any one else notice there`s always a few boys chasing this boy called tyson with "gay" written on his top for some reason.
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Don't you think its ironic that John Terry plays at the Bridge.
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I always ride the tube on my way to work in the mornings.
The other passengers on the bus don't seem impressed with what I do with my Smarties.
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Just a quick word of warning:
Beware.
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Blasting the skidmarks off the bowl with piss, is the only cleaning duty for a man.
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Life before Google - a short story:
"I just thought of something I'd like to know more about"
"Well that's a fucking shame"
The end.
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So they found him safe and well then?
Thank god!
I'm talking about Peter Barlows boy,not Sahil Saeed!
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2 flies sat on a piece of shit. 1 fly lets out a huge fart. other fly says dude, im eatin here.
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My parents are both different races.
My mum prefers a 100m sprint.
My dad is Asian.
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I'm taking my girlfriend to see a rape counsellor next week.
Hopefully it might help her get through the tough times ahead.
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Did you hear about the lawyer who fell over?
He was a bit em-barris-ter bout it.
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Immigrants are like Sperm...
Millions get in, but only one works.
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With the recent death of Pingping, there is one thing playing on all of our minds...
...Dwarf shortage.
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I got tugged by the police this morning on my way to work. Who knew Sting was so good at handjobs.
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With burglar alarm systems being so expensive, I've found the next best thing to keep thieving niggers out of my house...
Black out blinds.
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After a Bukkake I like to thank everyone for coming.
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Irony is a cruel mistress.
My wife hate's it when i make fun of her nick name.
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I was going to try and write a joke about lethargy, but I couldn't be bothered. In the end I just wrote one about erectile dysfunction; it wasn't hard.
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Say the word "election" the way a Japanese person would and have a little chuckle to yourself.
Go on, you deserve it.
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Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"
She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off, it will be too painful'."
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
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I had a wank over my ex-girlfriend the other day. Yeah I know it was probably wrong, but I still had a key to her house and she was fast asleep.
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I was rooting through one of my neighbours bins, looking for used tampons, when I thought to myself "This is wrong."
It was her neighbours bin
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More from today.
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